Relational Boundaries
Rikki Permenter, MAMFC, Th. M.
In the 90s movie Rounders, Matt Damon plays a professional card shark. The movie starts with a voice over of him saying “Listen, here’s the thing. If you can’t spot the sucker in your first half hour at the table, then you ARE the sucker.” While I don’t condone gambling the point he makes here is profound when you apply it.
As each of you spend time celebrating the holiday season, you will inevitably find yourself at a table surrounded by friends and family. Consider Damon’s above quote from a relational prospective. If you cannot spot the “crazy” one in your first half hour at the table, then you ARE the “crazy” one. WhenI say “crazy” here I don’t mean diagnosed with a mental illness, I mean poor boundaries. Colloquially, more times than not, people use the term “crazy” to describe others who have poor boundaries. Boundaries are the invisible lines you draw around yourself that let others know where you end and they begin and what you are responsible for and what they are responsible for. Just like the old adage says, “good fences make good neighbors” and good boundaries make good relationships. Often when people speak of others being “crazy” they are really saying this person is infringing upon their boundaries. People always notice when others boundaries are too lax or too rigid. People with boundaries that are too rigid allow no one in, cannot consider others opinions, and are inflexible relationally to the discomfort of others. People with boundaries that are too lax allow everyone in too much and speak too freely, they overly consider others opinions and cannot identify their own, and they are overly flexible relationally to their own discomfort.
Usually, boundaries are a blindspot only to the individual. During your self-evaluation you may need to incorporate a trusted friend or family member. Remember, others can always spot poor boundaries but more often than not they just call it “crazy.” If your interested in learning more about boundaries a great read is Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.
This article can be found in print in the monthly Baptist Association of Southeast Louisiana newsletter.
